Cirrus cloisters, stratus strips,
Fomenting fogs with blacking kits.
Scowling shadows, hoary hinges,
Like savages on drunken binges.
Barb’rous troops, annihilating;
Ghoulish gargoyles, regurgitating.
Puffed up paunches of nimbus naughties,
Wasted wantons, woolpack haughties,
Nebulous nymphs, cumulus hustlers —
Seek revenge and flex their muscles.
Spirited scuds of nautical speed
Shoving and pushing. Nasty indeed.
And the twisting pursuit of a funnel turbine
Wraps all unapparent that won’t fit in this rhyme.
Oh, ‘tis a sturdy force discharging the night,
Against the campaign of that last arc of light.
Victory, too soon, comes to the stronger—
‘Twould be a grand thing if the fight could last longer.
But, ‘No! — all too soon — the death of the day
A brutal fight? — Yes.
But one lovely fray!’
NOTE: Admittedly this poem is a bit rough in spots, but come-on-now, I was writing it in the midst of a battle. All that aside any editing suggestions to smooth the rough spots would be most welcome.
6 comments:
Roberta - it's really only the 3rd and 4th stanzas where the 8/9 syllable rhythm of the first two gets lost - try a rewrite there maybe, keeping the 8/9 syllable count?
I'd like the ending even if it wasn't in italics :)
Hmmm, a wonderful poem...and composed in the midst of a battle yet. No, I wouldn't change a thing...I found it charmingly YOU. ~Joy
Thank you, Pauline for identifying the problem. Prior to posting this I did a lot of frustrating editing with that part of the poem but in that moment I was more engaged in 'what I could see in my photo' then in rhyme and reason. I'm still stuck there but I will stash the poem along with your suggestions and later, when my pen is less entrapped by theme, I will try and do a rewrite of that part.
Thank you, joy. That you very much. For now I am unable to 'fix' it (God knows I've tried). But Pauline does make a good point, so later, I may do some editing while at the same time trying to protect the ideas expressed.
Your mastery of words so evident here. I truly felt quite enmeshed in the battle and mesmerized by the photo.
joared, I appreciate that vote of confidence. And I am flattered that you were drawn into the fray. Thank you for commenting.
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