Friday, January 8, 2010

The Ejection, or should I say Rejection? (Part I-II)


Part I – The Nightmare Begins

To begin with, I’m a strong believer in good courage. Of chucking one’s chin in and getting on with it. With the belief that things can only get so bad before they have to get better.

Still the courage I have is not always so deep-seated as I may lead others to believe. The self-confidence I have is not so deep-seated as I may lead others to believe. And the goodness I want to have. And the faith, appreciation, and strong work ethic, I want to have. I guess we’re all like that to a certain extent. If all our attempts to be all that we would like to be are not sufficient, we apply a bit of make-up to more than just the face.

Now I’m telling you this because I had a really raw moment a few weeks ago that I wanted so much to tell you about. But I hesitated to do that, because the rawness I felt at the time completely reduced to rubble the embodiment of courage that I need, and feel obligated to maintain.

And when I write in the moment of that kind of conviction, I can spread rawness like a wildfire, because rawness is pouring out of every cell of my body. And when that is the case, I feel like I could literally drown my readers in my own sorrow. But I am no longer saturated with that rawness and so I am finally ready to tell you what happened.
___

Part II – Me, and My Big Mouth

I have been blogging since March 2003, and since that time many blogger-friends have come and gone. Quite often there are clues in their final post. Some simply need to take a break. Others find a new significant other, move to a new job or locale, and suddenly fall silent. But the little clues of what happened to them are enough that I can deal with it. And yes, a few discontinue because of health reasons and when that happens I am very sad, yet all of it is understandable enough to accept.

What is harder to accept is what I am unable to understand. And so I was less able to accept the situation of going to a blogging site, that I frequent more often than most, only to find that I no longer had access. When I hit the link on my page, I got a message that said, “No Access”. When I googled the site, I got the same message – “No Access.”

But yet I had a rather strong confidence that this was not the type of person that would just disappear without a ‘fill-in’ or friend letting readers know what was going on. This was a person to ‘into blogging’ to just erase and shut down his/her rants. So what does that mean? It must be me. Me—and my always-at-an-obtuse-angle-big-mouth.

It must be something I said that was too sassy. I mean all I say in good humor, but what I say is easy to misconstrue. I must have somehow inadvertently put one foot in my mouth and the other over the line where enough is enough is enough.

I raked my mind and could think of nothing offensive that I might have said that would drive a person to such a radical reaction. I tried again and again to stop by, but it was like getting a door slammed in my face again and again. The discard of friendship and the bolted passageway hurt. And what also hurt was the foregone conclusion that I was not welcome there. Not wanted there. Like – “please leave and don’t ever come back!” There was nothing for it except my strongest suspicions that my ‘friend’ was still out there, but they were absolutely, completely, unalterably done with me.

I won’t tell you that I wept bitter tears. That sort of thing is too intimate and private to tell. I will tell you that I said to myself, in my extreme disappointment, that if I was so careless that this could happen, I best not blog. ‘Twould be best for me to shut it down, and go back to the furnace room and write only for the sake of writing, for myself, and no other.

To be continued....

11 comments:

Dick said...

I've been on the go since early 2003, Roberta (as you know because we've been good e-pals for most of the years in between) and I've had a number of close contacts hang up the 'No Access' shingle. And, yes, its implacable inaccessibility is somehow more distressing than a simple cessation of posting because of the implication of sudden and inexplicable rejection.

In fact all that's happened is that the blogger has deactivated the blog
from the dashboard without deleting its content. Presumably some unexpected circumstance out there in the real world has had him pulling out but with the anticipation of a possible resumption at some time.

The important point here, Roberta, is that it's 'No Access' to all readers, not just you. Now, had he applied password only access to the blog without notifying you in advance that might have implied personal slight. But (and here I risk being 'sassy') I feel that your concern should be for what might have provoked so sudden a withdrawal from blogging rather than for your - forgive me - inappropriate assumption of personal rejection. If you have an email address for the blogger, give him a shout and hope that all's well. If not, find someone else who has a link to his blog and ask them if they have any notion as to why he's pulled the plug.

Roberta, we all tune in to your blog for the very qualities that you're nominating as reason for this guy supposedly slamming the door - sassy, provocative, left-field but always affirmative reflections on life. Don't you dare bail out because of ruffled feathers! Let 'Part Three, Me and My Big Mouth Continued' be a triumphant assertion of what makes your blog special to its constituency of readers.

Pauline said...

I'm with Dick - don't you disappear on us! From my own experience (coincidentally because Dick pointed it out): clicking on my name in the comments section at one point brought readers to a mega-religious site because my URL had the word prophet in it. I had to change my URL but then had no idea how to let all my readers (all 39 professed followers, that is) know that. So, I just left comments on the blogs I read with regularity and hoped that they'd eventually click on my name again and be brought to my old but newly named site.

There are all kinds of glitches in life that make things happen in an unexplained way. Keep the faith Roberta - most of them are not your fault ;) (Pardon the sassy.)

As a test, please click on my name and let me know if you reach me?

WheelDancer said...

It's the internet Roberta, just brush it aside with a sweep of your pen as I suspect you will tell us in the next installment. We all seek approval for our efforts but when disapproval comes through the internet, we do ourselves a disservice to not first ask the real weight of the critical input.

When we judge ourselves through the eyes of others we risk losing ourselves. Introspection from an external spark is useful but we alone hold the rudder that guides our centerline. Your centerline has tracked an interesting parallel with mine and while I do hope we continue to sail the same currents, the value I have gained from our journeys thus far will not be diminished if you seek the refuge of some unknown harbor. Future enrichment will not be realized but I don't have that at this moment anyway.

I'll look forward to your next post but if it never comes, I'll still enjoy the springboard of thought this post has inspired.

Roberta S said...

To the BIG THREE - Dick, Pauline, and Wheeldancer. Thank you for stopping by. I found your comments interesting, comforting, and loved Wheeldancer's analogy to holding a rudder and sailing currents.

But as nice as you are, you are a devious bunch. All three of you are out to get the end of this story through a slip of my big mouth in my comment responses. But it ain't going to happen (<bit of sassy here). You may be my only readers but you'll have to wait for the conclusion in my own time.

Pauline said...

sigh...

Alan G said...

I've always suspected you had a 'sneaky streak' in you which is why you haven't heard from me......yet! LOL

Joy Des Jardins said...

Oh Good Grief Roberta...I agree with Dick....it's not YOU sweetie. Yes, you have your opinions and you freely express them; but you are one of the most gracious bloggers around. The very reason we all come here to read your beautiful words is because you have a singular voice and you DO express it in your own way...thank God; that's what makes it so wonderful. Don't you ever change a thing on us....we don't want you to. We love you just the way you are. ~Joy

Roberta S said...

Hi Alan, thank's for following the story along. We'll see...how "sneaky" I am...(with a chuckle)

Roberta S said...

Hi Joy. Thank you for those wonderful glowing remarks. You really are much too kind.

But yes, I will soon tell the rest of the story...in my own singular way. (Being very cautious here, not to give the ending away.)

Scotia said...

Augh. I have been de-linked. :( I suppose it is my own fault. My life was thrown a huge curve ball (I almost said 'fell apart') back in September, and I have had no chance to post since. I have been trying to make sense of what has happened to me, and I spend more time looking inward when I am not working, and trying to chase off the feelings of abandonment and hopelessness. I guess I haven't much felt like posting about it.

Roberta S said...

Hi Scotia. Glad to hear from you but I'm truly sorry that life has bombarded you with difficulties.

I know someday, maybe sooner, maybe later, I too will discontinue blogging. But in the meantime, if you do resurrect your blog, please let me know you're back.

I hope all goes well for you in the future.

Sincerely,
Roberta